Help Wanted (transcript)


 * [Following the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song, the brief opening titles show the names of creator Stephen Hillenburg, Derek Drymon and others. The episode opens with a bubble transition, and we see a coral reef under the sea. The camera zooms to initiate parallax scrolling, which reveals the city of Bikini Bottom. It continues zooming to show a brown rock, a Moai head, and a pineapple, which each contain inhabitants.]
 * French Narrator: Ah, the sea... so fascinating. So wonderful. Here, we see Bikini Bottom, teeming with life. [Shows from left to right Patrick's, Squidward's, and SpongeBob's houses. Zooms in on SpongeBob's house.]Home to one of my favorite creatures, SpongeBob SquarePants. Yes, of course he lives in a pineapple, you silly. [Scene cuts to the house's bedroom. A sea snail is seen sleeping near a pile of newspapers on the floor, a scallop is seen in a birdcage, and a young, optimistic sea sponge is seen sleeping in his bed, snoring as his foghorn alarm clock ticks. SpongeBob's alarm then sounds. He wakes, but is unaffected by the annoying sound, and with a smile on his face, turns it off. He climbs from his bed to a ladder, leading to his diving board.]
 * SpongeBob SquarePants: Today's the big day, Gary.
 * Gary the Snail: Meow.
 * SpongeBob: [jumps on the diving board] Look at me, I'm... [jumps up, and leaves his underwear behind]...naked! [Lands inside pants, walks over to exercise room. His head pops out of the top of his pants.] Gotta be in top physical condition for today, Gary.
 * Gary: Meow.
 * SpongeBob: [He goes inside his small gym room that has a sign that reads "I Love Pain." Taking deep breaths, he prepares to lift a barbell that is balanced by two lightweight stuffed animals. He sticks out his chest, but almost passes out because he can barely lift it. He drops it, and it makes a "squeak" noise] I'm ready! [runs outside] I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready! [A dimwitted sea star's rock tilts upwards with him stuck to its underside]
 * Patrick Star: Go, SpongeBob! [Patrick falls] Whoa! [crash sound effect]
 * SpongeBob: [runs down the street to the Krusty Krab] There it is. The finest eating establishment ever established for eating: The Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty. With a Help Wanted sign in the window. For years I've been dreaming of this moment. I'm gonna go in there, march straight to the manager, look 'im straight in the eye [breaks the fourth wall and looks the audience in the eye], lay it on the line and... I can't do this! [He starts to run home, but Patrick stops him.] Uh, Patrick!
 * Patrick: Where do you think you're going?
 * SpongeBob: I was just...
 * Patrick: No you're not. You're going to the Krusty Krab and get that job.
 * SpongeBob: I can't, don't you see? I'm not good enough.
 * Patrick: Whose first words were "may I take your order"?
 * SpongeBob: Mine were.
 * Patrick: Who made a spatula out of toothpicks in wood shop?
 * SpongeBob: I did.
 * Patrick: [grimaces and contorts twice while trying to come up with a good third line] Who's a, uh, who's uhh, oh! Who's a big yellow cube with holes?
 * SpongeBob: I am.
 * Patrick: Who's ready?
 * SpongeBob: I'm ready!
 * Patrick: Who's ready?
 * SpongeBob: I'm ready!
 * Patrick: Who's ready?
 * SpongeBob: I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! [runs toward the Krusty Krab. An octopus is seen cleaning graffiti on the restaurant's windows.]
 * Squidward Tentacles: [cleaning graffiti of himself with the word "loser," sees SpongeBob, and sighs] Oh no, SpongeBob. What could he possibly want?
 * SpongeBob: [in background, at first while Squidward was talking] I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! Go, SpongeBob! Go, SpongeBob! Go, SpongeBob! Go, self! [Squidward looks at the Help Wanted sign, screams, and runs inside.]
 * Squidward: [While SpongeBob says, "I'm ready," one more time in the background] Mr. Krabs! [cuts to the ordering window, where a greedy crab is seen happily sniffing a handful of money. Squidward runs up to him.] Hurry, Mr. Krabs, before it's too late, I gotta tell you- [interrupted by SpongeBob]
 * SpongeBob: Permission to come aboard, captain. [deep voice] I've been training my whole life for the day I could join the Krusty Krew [normal voice] and now I'm ready. [SpongeBob trips on a nail stuck in the floorboard. His fall causes him to bounce against the ceiling. SpongeBob shouts and blurts incomprehensibly while his bounces and ricochets around the building accelerate. He then rolls to a stop at the feet of Squidward and Mr. Krabs.] So, uh, when do I start?
 * Mr. Krabs: Well, lad, it looks like you don't even have your sea legs.
 * SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, please. I'll prove I'm fry cook material. Ask Squidward, he'll vouch for me. [Mr. Krabs and Squidward quickly walk away from SpongeBob]
 * Squidward: [deep breath] No. [Mr. Krabs winks. They head back to SpongeBob]
 * Mr. Krabs: Well, lad, we'll give you a test, and if you pass, you'll be on the Krusty Krew. Go out and fetch me... [SpongeBob takes out a notepad] a, uh, hydrodynamic spatula... [SpongeBob quickly jots down what he says] with, um, port-and-starboard-attachments, [more scribbling] and, uh... turbo drive. [more scribbling]And don't come back ‘til you get one. [Mr. Krabs puts a Krusty Krab crew hat on SpongeBob's head. SpongeBob sees how he looks in a mirror, there are sparkles on his hat, and he has a huge, satisfied smile]
 * SpongeBob: [saluting Krabs] Aye aye, captain! [reading] One hydrodynamic spatula, with port-and-starboard attachments, turbo drive, coming right up, Sir!
 * Mr. Krabs: Carry on! [SpongeBob leaves] We'll never see that lubber again.
 * Squidward: You're terrible. A hydro-what? [Squidward and Mr. Krabs laugh. While Squidward laughs, his nose moves distinctly while he inhales and exhales. Krabs laugh sounds like a pirate. As they laugh, SpongeBob is shown leaving the Krusty Krab. As SpongeBob fades out of sight, five buses drive toward the Krusty Krab from the opposite direction.]
 * Bus driver: Hey! Hey! Please! Passengers are to stay seated and not put their hands out the window! [The buses surround the Krusty Krab and the doors open; Mr. Krabs stops laughing.]
 * Mr. Krabs: That sounded like hatch doors. [sniffs repeatedly] Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. A smelly smell that smells... smelly. [bulgy eyes] Anchovies.
 * Squidward: What?
 * Mr. Krabs: Anchovies! [Anchovies get out of the buses and rush inside the Krusty Krab, crowding, repeating the word "meep" over and over again]
 * Squidward: Please, please, quiet! [anchovies stop talking] Is this any way to behave, hmmm?
 * Anchovy: Meep!
 * Squidward: Could we show a little decency and form a neat, single file line in front of the register? [The anchovies are quiet at first, then pick up the boat, as their cries of "meep!" become more intense. Cut to Barg'N-Mart as SpongeBob enters.]
 * SpongeBob: [singing to himself] Barg'N-Mart, Barg'N-Mart, meeting all of your spatula needs. [cuts back to the Krusty Krab. Squidward and Mr. Krabs are still in the boat register, and being tossed around like a ship in a storm.]
 * Mr. Krabs: All hands on deck! Get your anchors out of your pants!
 * Squidward: One single file line was all I asked!
 * Mr. Krabs: Whoa! Batten down the hatches, Mr. Squidward! [Mr. Krabs and Squidward are thrown up in the air] We're taking on water, Mr. Squidward! [they get thrown back up again; the boat is in splinters] I want my mommy, Mr. Squidward! [cuts to Barg'N-Mart]
 * SpongeBob: [singing] Do do do do do do, spatula, spatula, port-and-starboard attachments. [cuts back to the Krusty Krab]
 * Squidward: Help!
 * Mr. Krabs: Man overboard! Climb, Mr. Squidward! Climb! [They climb the mast, while the anchovies try to get them down. The anchovies then form a big wave.]
 * Anchovies: Meep! Meep!
 * Mr. Krabs: This is the end! Goodbye, Mr. Squidward!
 * Squidward: Oh, Mr. Krabs! [They cry, then SpongeBob comes in with red lights flashing and flying with the spatula, singing a heroic tune]
 * SpongeBob: Permission to come aboard captain! Da da da da da da da! Da da da da da da da da da da! Did someone order a spatula?
 * Squidward and Mr. Krabs: [stuttering while shocked at the SpongeBob getting the hydrodynamic spatula]
 * SpongeBob: That's right! One hydrodynamic spatula with [two spatulas pop out on the sides of the previous one] port-and-starboard attachments, and lets not forget the turbo drive! [the two extending spatulas twirl around and smack Squidward and Mr. Krabs in the face] Would you believe they only had one in stock? To the kitchen! [to the anchovies] Who's hungry?! [Tiny Tim's "Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight" plays while SpongeBob serves up Krabby Patty after Krabby Patty. Numerous Krabby Patties are launched through the opening window to the hungry anchovies. Eventually, all of the anchovies are served and they leave on the buses. Cuts to later.]
 * Mr. Krabs: That was the finest fast-foodsmanship I've ever seen, Mr. SquarePants. Welcome aboard. [Mr. Krabs gives SpongeBob a name tag]
 * Squidward: B-but, but, Mr. Krabs...
 * Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for SpongeBob! Hip-hip!
 * Squidward: [weakly] Hooray, Mr.-
 * Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip.
 * Squidward: [quickly] Hooray. M-
 * Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip.
 * Squidward: [quickly] Hooray. Mr. Krabs!
 * Mr. Krabs: I'll be in my quarters, counting up the booty. [He wheels a wheelbarrow piled with an enormous stack of cash to his office. Patrick enters]
 * Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Krew.
 * Squidward: What would you like to order, Patrick?
 * Patrick: One Krabby Patty, please. [The instrumental to "Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight" starts playing. SpongeBob flies back to the kitchen, using his spatula, and a score of Krabby Patties is immediately fired through the servery, which collide with Patrick and send him flying out of the Krusty Krab. Cuts to Krusty Krab exterior; crashing noises.]
 * Patrick: [screams]
 * Squidward: Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! [calmly and singing] Mr. Krabs, come see your new employee.